©6-3-01 David Schultz

The brilliant yet eccentric Prof. Erwin Schrodinger, one of the founding fathers of modern quantum mechanics, known for his wave collapse equation and "Schrodinger's Cat" thought-experiment, standing at the Genius Bar ready to answer your questions.

Customer: "Honey, I am going to ask the Apple Genius something. I'll be right back. (He walks over to the Genius Bar.) Yes, I'd like to talk to the "Apple Genius.""

AG: "That would be me, sir."

"And you are (stretching out his hand for a handshake) ... Mr?"

"Doctor."

"Ah yes, sorry. You are Dr. ...?"

"Smith, Dr. Smith."

"Yes, well, nice to meet you. Say, I have a question."

"Certainly."

"I was wondering just how fast these G4s were."

"Well, before I can answer that question, shall we question the question?"

"Okay ..."

"You said "fast.""

"Yes."

"You know of course that is relative in an Einstienian universe depending on your frame of reference."

"I kind of remember something from college about that ... but I guuuueess it's a good point. You are smart."

"I am a genius you know."

"Yes, the sign says so."

(Talking very fast.) "Now let us assume that we have our frames of reference down and we can in fact can calculate the speed of the G4 processor. This is fine a cosmological level. But mind you that at the quantum level this becomes very difficult due Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle, and we know we are dealing only with probabilities here. In fact, the very act of measuring the G4's speed may, if the Copenhagen interpretation of Quantum Mechanics is true, effect the outcome. So we have to be careful, obviously (he looks up and laughs as if he just told a joke). Note this equation ... (he takes out a legal pad and writes furiously)."

"Ah ... em, I am sorry, I don't understand what all this means."

"Okay, forget about this mathematics for a moment."

"Thank you."

"A thought experiment, shall we?"

"Sure, a thought ..."

"Okay (interrupting, he becomes very animated) ... suppose that you are a super programmer pounding away at your Mac, and a very fast programmer at that. Say you can type, oh, 120 words per minute."

"Okay."

"No, let us assume that the G4 processor of which you speak has self-awareness. Which is not all that unlikely according to some AI theorists, if Gödel's Incompleteness Theorem doesn't apply anyway. If it does then all thought is not calculation and we are not mere computers ourselves ... but I digress."

"Okaaaayy ..."

"The question you want to ask yourself is this, "From the processor's viewpoint, how fast are you typing?""

"I don't know. How fast am I typing?"

"Well, let us say that roughly 120 words per minute equals, for the sake of argument, 480 characters per minute, meaning the average length of a word is four. That means you type 8 characters (not words) very second ... just for the sake of argument you understand."

"Okay."

"Now assume that the processor's self-awareness phenomenological time-frame is equal to its processing speed, and a floating-point operation is equal to a character you type."

"Okay."

"This means that the G4, if it could type, mind you, could type at least billions of a characters per second. In an idealized hour you can type 28,800 characters, but the G4 can type 60 billion in the same time!"

"Makes sense."

"Now, from your frame of reference the G4 is a very fast typer, is it not?"

"Yes it is."

"But from the G4's perspective are you a fast typer?"

"No."

"Why!!!" (He grabs the customer by the shoulders and hangs on tightly.)

"Ah, I don't know, I don't know ... it's hard to talk about!"

"Well, in order for the G4 to "type" (he makes a quote movement with his fingers) as "fast" as you, it would have to slow down, because from its perspective you are very dumb indeed, in fact almost a pet. Now, the G4 can type (calculate floating point operations that is), at least billions of characters per second. So from its perspective ..." (he looks intensely at the customer for a moment) "... you type one character every 5 to 10 years."

"Really?"

"Well, I don't know but it is some ridiculous number like that. But you get the point."

"Okay. Well ..."

"And you want to know what's really cool?"

"What?"

"Suppose we try the same thing with Pentium."

"Yes ... but I really should be going, my wife is ah ..."

"It's not as fast. Obviously. In other words (he begins talking fast again) you appear to be a faster typer on a slower machine, and you appear to be a slower typer on a faster machine; but the funny thing is that the appearance is the inverse proportion to the speed of the processor, so you are actually working quicker than you appear to be. Paradoxical, ain't it? I love it! Ah ... well, anyway ... this means that on slower machines like Pentiums you actually seem to be smarter than you really are, and on a G4 you appear (from the processor's point of view, mind you) dumber than you really are, which means you are smarter than you appear on a Mac! It follows that you are dumber than you appear on a Dell. Brilliant! We have just unmasked the whole thing haven't we?! Think of it, think of the implications of this man! Think of the irony — the irony!! Think of deluded masses out there who beleve it looks smarter to buy a Dell! (He pauses and notices he is alone ...) Sir? Sir? Thanks for visiting me. I really get lonely. People seem to be afraid of me. Oh, the sorrows of misunderstood genius. Am I the only one ...?"

Wife: "There you are. Did you get your question answered?"

Customer: "I don't know."

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