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Dell Plans His Next Move in Education

Tall, slender and totally self-assured, Mike Rodrigues, General Manager of Education for Dell Computer, inspects his Armani suit in a mirror near the receptionist's desk, preparing to enter Michael Dell's inner sanctum. Almost forgetting to do so, Rodrigues bows three times before Dell's golden statue. In the midst of his required genuflection, Rodrigues hears unrestrained shouting behind Dell's closed door.

"That damned Rodriques!!!! What is this? How can they be number one? They don't even have floppy drives on their computers! They haven't even reached 1 GHz! They are nonstandard, for God's sake! People buy that crap? Oh, the numbers, the numbers! Arrrrrgggh! I feel laying off some more employees. Where is that damned Rodrigues?"

Rodrigues swallows hard, reconsiders briefly, then resigns himself to his fate and enters Dell's office ...

"All I want to hear is what YOU are going to do to fix this?" Dell says, skipping the salutations. Rodrigues sits down quickly, and the purveyor of pennypinched PCs flops a newspaper across his desk, into his subordinate's lap. It's a trade publication for computer retailers. The headline reads, "Apple bites Dell back; overnight, Mac maker number one in education again, says QED."

"I don't know; it looks bad," Rodrigues answers quietly, stiffening up for the verbal lashing that's sure to come.

"What the %$#@*&%$# do you mean, 'looks bad'?" Dell bellows as he leaps up from his desk and leans forward with his arms firmly planted into a fighting stance. "'Looks bad!' Of course it looks bad, and looks are everything! Haven't you learned anything from me?"

With nervous laughter Rodrigues says, "Yeah, well, Mike... Mike, settle down, man."

"Settle down? How can I settle down?!" He points out his office window. "People out there are thinking bad thoughts — BAD thoughts — about me right now. About ME! You know I can't stand that! Perception is reality!"

"Mike... hey, buddy, don't go 'Steve Jobs' on me here ..."

"Listen, I'm going to go 'Steve Jobs,' 'Steve Ballmer,' AND 'Bill Gates' on your sorry butt before this day is over. And if you don't give me a counter plan for this Apple problem RIGHT NOW, your last sight in this life will be me going Jeffrey Dahmer on you." He then shouts several minutes of obscenities at Rodrigues. Rodrigues is astounded at the CEO's mastery of profanity. Dell using one "cuss word" as a noun, a verb, an adjective and an adverb in the same sentence. He even dangles a participle or two, before finally calming down and falling back into his chair, almost limp.

"Maybe I'm being hard on you, Rodrigues. Let's sit down. I think it's time I brought you in on the Master Plan. It hinges on making Apple look bad. So, how could you let this happen to me? Apple has a two to one edge over us, overnight!!"

He is interrupted by his speaker phone.

"Phone call on line two for Michael."

Both men replied, "I'll get it," bumping their heads in Three Stooges fashion as they do.

"No," said Dell, rubbing his head. "That's for me. YOU are Mike. I am Michael."

Totally confused at this inane comment, Rodrigues ignores him and allows him to answer the phone. A minute later, Dell hangs up.

Changing to a sarcastic, intentionally condescending tone, he continues, "I can't believe Apple is number one again. It's like a fairy flew in overnight — overnight, mind you — and waved its magic wand and reversed the laws of nature, and everything is happy again in Macland. 'All the elves rejoiced, and the sky turned pink, and how happy they were.'"

They stare at each other briefly. Rodrigues doesn't know whether to laugh at his boss's lame humor or not. Then Dell says, "And of course, now that things changed back so quickly, you've practically told people our secret. For cryin' out loud!"

"I didn't do it Mike... er, Michael."

"You went out and said we were 'Number one in education' only last quarter, and now APPLE is number one. I call that telling our secret for all intents and purposes. What do you think I mean..."

"Wait, Michael, I followed your instructions perfectly. I never said we were 'number one,' just like you said for me to say, or not say, as the case may be. It was Reuters who said we were number one working from numbers from Dataquest."

"Dataquest, that reminds me ... well, I'll get to that later. And you followed my instructions perfectly?"

"Yes, perfectly. I can even remember exactly what you said: "Don't cite hard facts. Use shady polling organizations." I even hired the people who counted the votes in Florida's presidential election, like you told me. "Then, a few well-placed calls to Dataquest to let them do the rest. That got to Reuters and the Internet, and since everybody believes what they read on the Internet, all of the journalists followed, just reporting second-hand 'facts' without checking." That's what you said and that's what happened. I never said we were 'number one.'"

"You did not disabuse anyone of the reports either?"

"Just like you said."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. Remember that interview we set up with CNET?"

"Yes. Oh, that reminds me." He presses the button on his speaker phone, "Sally, could you write up a check for CNET for that interview we did with them? I think it was for $10,000."

"Right away Mike," a voice replies.

"That's Michael." He takes his angry finger off the button. "Now Mike, what did you say in that interview? You didn't spill the beans did you?"

"No. When asked what percentage of the market education sales are for Dell I said, and I quote, "I can't answer, but it's probably a little bigger than you think.""

"Ah, clever boy. The non-answer answer! "I can't answer ..." rich, very rich. You did, you did let them think what they wanted to think without interfering. "It's probably a little bigger than YOU think." I like it Mike. You sound just like Clinton."

"Thanks. And talking about the quarterly numbers, remember what I said?"

"What?"

""In the first quarter, it doesn't look like Apple gained any momentum. It will be interesting to see how it does in Q2; so far, all the numbers just seem to indicate the opposite.""

Wringing his hands, Michael says, "Excellent. Let me deconstruct that. You said "looks like" and "seem" and these refer merely to your inner states, appearances, not reality. You used the language of appearances which made no commitment to reality, no commitment to any external facts at all! Perfect! And "seem to indicate the opposite." What was the question you were asked?"

""Apple's been very clear about its intentions to recapture share in a market where it's historically been the leader." That was the question - there was NO question!"

"Well, then, what the heck does "opposite" refer to in your statement given that "question"?"

They look at each other for a moment, and slowly big grins come over their faces as they jump and give each other high fives.

"And down low," says Michael. Again, simultaneously, they say, "Nothing in particular!!" and start laughing.

"Oh, Mike, stop it, you're killing me! I'm laughing tears here man!"

They start laughing again, uncontrollably this time.

"And the Mac Web bought it?"

"Hook, line and sinker ... well, almost. There were a few that saw through it, some got hot, but hey, we'll control the web someday so they'll be gone eventually."

"Speaking of controlling the web," he says, clicking on his speaker phone. "Get me Bill Gates..."

"Okay, let's make up some more numbers, call Dataquest and Reuters, and set up a cover story with CNET. I'm sure there are some schools we can contact which will read our scripts to the press as well; we have them where we want them after all. We'll be number one again before the week is out."

"We'd better wait until next week, sir."

"Why?"

"MacWorld Expo is this week. No one will pay attention to us."

"Damn!! Wait ... wait ... "DellWorld Expo." I like the sound of that. Now THAT is innovation! Start planning."

David Schultz

Rodney O. Lain